Marriage is broken
June 30th, 2010 by Head Scratcher
Maybe I should qualify that a bit: Marriage as an institution as practiced by the majority of Canadians - and maybe Americans - is broken.
Marriage as an institution is broken. Period.
Statistics show that well over 50% of marriages are disolved at some point. If the definition of marriage includes "till death do us part", we - at least western societies - have voted with our feet - or lawyers, er, I digress...
From personal experience only: Of the remaining marriages, it seems that at least half should be dissolved; perhaps couples stay together for the sake of kids, it's just easier, or it's too expensive to part ways (those pesky lawyers again).
Marriage and its role in relationships have come up a few times with friends lately. In particular, my ex-girlfriend/common law wife (we are still very good friends) and I have discussed this at length. My position is that I will not get married if my partner cannot guarantee that marriage will not affect our relationship. She couldn't do so, so we never got married in the traditional (formal?) sense. (Note that my position on this played no role in our dissolving our partnership.)
Let me be clear: I'm not against marriage; I am against marriage defining a relationship. I know that if marriage can in any way affect a relationship, then marriage - which is essentially a social convention - is exerting pressure to conform to external criteria. Relationships to me are very personal and are defined by my partner and myself, not someone/anyone else, and particularly not by social custom.
My ex recently reminded me of an interesting support of this. It appears that couples who have been together a long time without getting married, frequently get divorced shortly after getting married. At first blush, this makes it seem as though marriage may have caused the breakup, but it's just as likely that marriage was perceived as an answer to problems that were already occurring in the relationship; marriage either caused the breakup, or should never have been considered in the first place.
I'm big on language; I like to be accurate, and I do what I can to ensure I convey correct impressions according to context. This means I try to pay attention to the perceived impact and meanings words impart in communication. Here, we are talking about "wife" vs "girlfriend". "Wife" has connotations of duty, predictability, security. "Girlfriend" has connotations of newness, excitement, experimenting. If/when I do get married, I know I'd still rather consider my partner my girlfriend.
